Day n
I feel bad. My inborn responsibility, empathy and care-taking instincts are bursting out of me, through the roof, through the windows, the building and the whole world are exploding in a loop.
Don't let anything of that happen to others! I hear in my head.
But this is exactly the point I am trying to teach myself.
I can not help anyone actually.
People don't want to be saved, they want to be loved, exactly as they are. While they are wasting themselves with video games, drugs, work, alcohol, casual and dysfunctional sex, eating disorders, depression and the whole array of possible mental health issues - they want to be loved just as they are. Nobody does that because they like it actually. We are all looking for a way out, relief and a moment of peace.
The fact that I am trying to protect them is because I love them but this is not the message they are getting. They are getting the feeling that they are doing something wrong, which is exactly the opposite of my intention.
How can I change that?
They will most probably think of me that I am not worthy to be friends with. That I am unstable, not safe to be around. "Told 'ya, she's crazy" kind of reaction.
Meanwhile, I want to create a space where people can get new ideas or see new ways of looking at reality. I would like them to see that I am also here trying to find my way. I learn from them the art of being alive, while they might find out a new view. They could also see that it is possible to get up again and again no matter what happened.
Talking about that which hurts or makes us weaker, in a safe and caring space, with the intention to understand not to complain, is healing. Of course, I know that this type of content is not FB/INSTA likable and most of those who are viewing it are mistrusting me or thinking that I am quite out of the reality and click away to the next joke.
But still Victory, there has to be an option, a voice that speaks about these things.
Day +1
I cried. It felt good. It felt sad. Why isn't there anyone that I could share this with? Why is everyone online and not in real life?
I have been on FB for a couple of months now, hopping on and off. Why can't I just be there? Because it feels so incredibly synthetic to me that I get tired very fast. My mind clogs and I keep asking myself- Really? Hey people! Wake up PLEASE, I am getting bored and lonely out here, come, let's play for real!
Am I wrong maybe? Should I be liking this numbing out too?
The virtual simulation of human communication and connection is so superficial that I just choke. I guess I would be feeling exactly like that if would be eating fast food: full, greasy and tired in a matter of minutes.
I notice also that the level of the language, the complexity and the construction of the sentences has been downgraded to adolescence or childhood level. We are talking to each other like babies do, using interjections a lot (Iiiiihaaa, Ooooo, Olalaala,Heyyyy baby, Neee, Nah, Oooo, Uuuu etc) and pointing at things expecting to be understood.
But we are adults now, we have grown up and we can use the power of the language in a completely different way. The language we choose to interact with others, the way we use it to express our thoughts and emotions is an accurate mirror of where we are mentally, emotionally.
Spaces like FB or Instagram or any other virtual environment where people gather to share something, feels like a relief for those who are looking for relief from rules, from themselves, from bills to pay, from being alive or behavior conventions. It is a way to connect with others alike, to support (as much as this environment allows) and...to simulate the physical reality- I have to explain that to myself.
Ullala! we might have a problem.
A problem caused by lack of education, awareness and attention towards emotions, how to deal with difficult situations in a healthy and assumed way, how to look inside for power and peace, not outside. These are aspects we are not being taught, that is why we are having trouble with them.
And that is why I am talking about such things and I will keep on doing it as long as I can, with or without audience.
When FB was created I was somewhere in China working like sick people do, Chinese style 24/7 style, trying to take myself out of the abusive circle I stepped into out of curiosity and still I could not afford a computer- a reason why I "missed" it from the very beginning. (Did I tell you about that time when all my earnings were stolen while in Shanghai? After months of work I was left with nothing but my hurting body and tired soul). What did I do after having lost the money?
Got up, started again and learned about Chinese bank accounts.
The never ending consumption of all things possible but in particular the consumption of our own mind and soul -in my eyes, this looks like we are wasting extremely valuable energy and attention.
Why can't people see that and stop it?
I am remembering. I love being offline, where I truly am. The world is so interesting and complex, colorful and inhabited by so many interesting creatures (human too), I guess I'll spend most of my time here, even though I will get back online to tell the stories.
Day +1
I have no friends. Those who used to interact with me disappeared as soon as my profile disappeared. I bet they were relived.
What did I expect? Talking the whole time about emotions, states of mind which normally are avoided and never addressed directly? It is like dripping them with hot wax.
They stay away, keeping a safe distance in anonymity. I am sure some of them are thinking I am over-sharing and should be staying calm like everybody else.
Well, they should understand maybe the difference between over-sharing and being intentionally vulnerable and letting yourself feel. They forgot how to feel. They should not forget how to feel. Vulnerability is being open to change and transformation that happens when we let the guard down.
We are being sedated in my view.
Anyway, the unexpected interruption of communication with those whom I thought will not do that means abandonment to me.
I am sick of being abandoned like that and it keeps happening. Why? Because you have been talking to the wrong people maybe? You have been addressing the wrong subjects in the wrong way maybe?
Day +1
I am sure nobody even noticed.
Does it matter?
-Yes, it does actually.
Day +1
What does having an online presence nowadays mean?
-It means that you exist.
Do you exist Victory?
-Hell yes! Big time!
Alright, I'll go back to tell stories about life.
I'm here where things have a shape, when touching them I feel something, where people embrace and smile, cry, sing and they die too because everything has an end. If you flip it- you are looking at new beginning.
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